I remember — a Eulogy for my cigarettes

I remember.
I remember never wanting you.
I remember hating the idea of you.
And I remember how we got acquainted.

I remember swearing to myself,
That come what may,
Whether the sweltering sun
Or a torrential rain,
An acquaintance you’d remain.
I tried holding on to that vow,
Promising that you wouldn’t stay,
But I fell for you anyway.

I remember running to you —
When I felt out of breath,
When I felt miserable,
When I sought death,
Whenever anxiety overtook my mind,
And whenever the world wasn’t kind.
Your warmth assured me,
That all will be okay.
Despite knowing how toxic you were,
I let you take my breath away.

I romanticized you in my head,
Thought if not for you, I’d drop dead.
That lighting you up lit up my life,
That inhaling your essence would help my strife,
A long-standing strife that you offered a solution to.

I remember you being there through the loneliest of days
And darkest of nights,
Through moments of silence,
And through the loudest of fights.
When I felt the world closing in,
I knew I had a friend,
Despite knowing that being with you
Would be my end.

You helped me stay afloat, no doubt,
That’s also because I let you numb me out.
I let you take over,
Saw my feelings, conflicts and misery dissolve into thin air
Every time I exhaled.
Your wisps came in like a metaphorical breath of fresh air,
When in reality, it was you that was taking my breath away.

I don’t want to remember you anymore.
I bid you goodbye.
I don’t want to miss you either.
For I’ve chosen how to feel again.
That come what may,
Be it the sweltering sun or torrential rain,
I shall stay strong and face the pain.
I remember being truly strong,
That is, until, you came along,
Taking my ability to be human away,
Numbing my senses to happiness and loss.
I remember thinking that this day would never come,
But now I know it has,
And I return to being someone I remember,
Expect now I feel stronger than I was.