A Eulogy from beyond

Tw: S*icide, s*lf h*rm

Dear Ma,

I'm still watching.

I can hear you crying.

If you're wondering where I am,

You should know that I'm flying.

And if I said I wasn't at peace,

I'd be lying.

I know you have questions,

I know you don't like this.

You're probably wondering,

"What went wrong?"

Let me tell you.

I was suffering all along.

For your grief,

I have no relief.

But with enough time,

The pain will cease to remain.

You know a part of the story,

But there's so much you don't.

About how hard it was to live inside my head,

About how I went from painting colors on paper

To drawing lines on my skin that were red,

Just so I could see colors that weren't black or white,

About the days I tried with all my might,

About the days I was a living corpse,

About the days where I reached a point

Beyond which there's no saving,

And about the day I finally gave in.

I know I've caused pain,

But not anymore.

I know I've caused a lot of worry,

But along with me, that will be buried.

I went to sleep knowing that I am taking away more than I'm leaving behind,

A hurt soul and a wounded mind,

Everything that was wrong,

I take with me to the grave,

But I leave behind an apology -

I'm sorry I wasn't more brave.

Dear ma,

Please know that your son is finally,

At peace.

Floating around in a sea of nothingness.

Please don't come looking for me,

The feeling will pass with each passing day,

But know that I'm still watching,

And nothing in this world or beyond it,

Can take that away.